Props to [Hostile} from hisstank for this one...

Okay, "hate" is a strong word. And I should go ahead and make it clear that this is a work of humor and opinion, and not to be taken literally. It's meant to be in fun, and more or less "tongue-in-cheek". If you think I'm specifically adressing you, stop flattering yourself and forget it- It's just a gag.

The Omni-hater
“I don’t see how this got figure of the year and is completely sold out everywhere. It’s a worthless piece of crap and it looks nothing like he is supposed to look. Hasbro can’t seem to get anything right.”

The Omni-hater is the Joe collector that simply hates it all. No matter what comes out, it’s never good enough for the Omni-Hater. He hates the movie. He hates the Resolute Animation. He hates the figures. He hates the comic books. Every minor, easily-overlooked, or trivial flaw that can be ignored by normal folk is a crippling detriment that completely ruins the product. He obviously has a standard for Joes that has never, ever been met at any point in the history of the product- which makes you wonder why the hell he bothers at all, and perhaps he should find a new hobby… but no, he’s always around to criticize and tear down things that others enjoy. What kind of Joes did this guy have, anyway? What the hell does he want? Why does he expect something that hasn’t been done? What kind of ego does this guy have that makes him think that everything must meet his approval, and that his dislike of the product means anything to the rest of us? When will he figure out that an insignificant little person like himself will never influence Hasbro’s decisions?

He won’t, because complaining about everything somehow gives him a feeling of superiority that he so desperately lacks in other aspects of his life… or maybe it’s the fact that he can’t buy Joes at all, never could… and now he’s trying to destroy everything about them. This is the type of person who watches all of his friends meet beautiful women and get into happy relationships, only to say “women are worthless, I hate them and don’t need them”… and move in with a Thai Rentboy.

Suitable punishment: The Omni-Hater should be confined to be in a relationship with a beautiful, charming, and all-around wonderful person… who always takes the time to remind him how he has fallen short of their expectations, criticize him constantly, and remind him that nothing he does is ever good enough. Even his own parents, employers, and close friends should follow suit and tell him what a disappointment he is and how much better he could have been… and no one can ever give him a goal to meet.

The Wise-ass High Horseman.
“NO. The SAW-Viper did NOT kill Quick-Kick. If you’d actually read the comic, you’d know that.”

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate someone who has a wealth of knowledge, even over trivial things that are completely useless. It’s the gift of retaining knowledge, and it is a great thing. Sometimes, folks have questions and someone has all the answers, which is welcome. But, the Wise-Ass High Horseman wants to make sure that you know that he knows more about everything than you… and that you’re stupid for not knowing as much as he. No matter what you know about Joes- he knows more, dumbass. If you learn something, he flies in to let you know that he already knew that, and you’re late to the ball game… and completely forgets that knowledge is meant to be shared- not shoved down someone’s throat to humiliate them. He is a waste of knowledge, as he only uses his own to put others down. It makes you wonder how pathetic his life truly is in his constant pursuit… Perhaps if he spent less time trying to know more than others for this idiotic purpose; and more time doing important things like showering, meeting women, or even exercising his social skills- he could be a valuable resource to the world. This is the sort of person who will die old and alone… and will not be missed.

Suitable Punishment: The Wise-Ass High Horseman should be locked in a room with others of his kind and be forced to snort cocaine for days on end, forever engaging himself with competitive conversations and becoming more and more frustrated at the lack of a lesser- knowledgeable person to berate, and constantly going mad with the fear of being the one who didn’t know more than the other. If this doesn’t work, he should be confined to an island with grade-school dropouts, "LASER BLAST", and uneducated children; and be chained to a palm tree and forced to teach them calculus.

The Old Fart.
“Whatever, that sucks and it’s not worth the money. I’ll take the original from 1991 over that one any day. Another crappy remake that was fine the way it was back in the day.”

To reach a ripe old age and have years of experience and fond memories is a wonderful thing. The old fart is different. “Progress”, “Improvement”, and “Innovation” are concepts lost on his traditionalist mind. The Old Fart thinks that things should never, ever change. Any new Joes that come out aren’t as good as they used to be, despite all that fancy articulation and detail. He doesn’t understand that most people don’t want to buy something that they already own all over again. Nope, the Old Fart will sit with his 1980’s Joes and watch the rest of us enjoy our fancy bells and whistles on our new ones… then cry when his O-Ring breaks from dry rot. He’ll throw a fit when a new company picks up the GI Joe license for comics, because they were just fine when they were all Vietnam vets, dammit. And what’s wrong with the snap-on, stay-on weapons?

Suitable Punishment: A good dose of ADHD. Or Alzheimer’s.

The Hoarder.
“I don’t understand why no one can find Agent Helix. I went to TRU today and picked up 5 of them, then I grabbed the last 3 they had at Target. Maybe I’ll sell them next year on eBay.”

Ever wonder why you can’t find that one figure you want? You go to every store, go online and even try to find someone on the ‘Tank that has one… and you just can’t find one? You may have waited too long, it may have been that great of a character… but rest assured, somewhere in this equation, you can blame the hoarder. The hoarder goes and buys 4 or 5 of the same figure and shamelessly hoards them away. You can almost picture him gloating over his prize as he saunters past a crying child who wanted that same figure. His motivation? He may open one… but he stores them away, and then tries to sell them later. He’s a capitalist, and he’s not afraid to admit it. It doesn’t bother him when someone calls him “greedy”… but he wants to cry when someone isn’t willing to pay the ridiculous price he’s asking for on eBay. No, the hoarder will never learn… and even if he can’t afford gas or groceries, he can sleep easy knowing that in another year or so, he can make twice what he paid for it…bwahahaha! Even then, he may never sell them… but he has them, and you don’t! This is ecstasy, this is power, the once chance to have something that someone else doesn’t and give yourself some shred of individuality…

Suitable Punishment: Being the last person in line to get the vaccination for a genital flesh-eating virus that is spreading like wildfire- only to watch someone cut in front of him and get the last 2 injections “to be on the safe side”.

The Money Crapper.
“It still has the prototype number on it and it came loose. It was totally worth $250.00 plus $10.00 to be shipped. Once I add some paint to the face it will be a great item until the official one hits retail next month!”

The Money Crapper seemingly just craps out cash, or perhaps he throws his cash in the crapper for kicks, I don’t know. A prototype figure on eBay for $300.00? He’ll buy it and regret nothing (until it comes out 6 months later with more accessories). He has shelves of figures, vehicles, and accessories… more so than a man should, but at what cost? How does he eat, pay his bills, or do anything else? Who knows? All we do know is that you’ve got to be pretty damned stupid to buy a loose figure from a factory thief in China for that much money, just to have a few months of bragging rights. I promise, I’ll remember you when I pay 8 bucks for mine and get to tear into the packaging. Maybe I’ll sell some of my extra accessories so yours can be evened out for say, $20.00 a pop?

Suitable Punishment: Actually going broke and having a ton of awesomely perfect figures come out for a limited time only at a dirt cheap price. Then getting all of his money back and being rejected when he offers to purchase anything… only to watch the people who own them use those figures as custom fodder.

The Fanboy Elite.
“It was all wrong. They changed everything! Why couldn’t Resolute just add 20 episodes to explain Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow’s origin correctly? What a waste of time.”

The word “fanboy” gets thrown around a lot. In this case, it’s a specific kind of fanboy. At some point in the fanboy’s life, he encountered something in GI Joe that defined it for him. If it was the cartoon, movie, comic, or simply the filecards- everything else was garbage. If any creative liberties are taken by anyone else and their vision deviates the slightest bit from his own version, he completely loses it and wants nothing to do with it. It never occurs to the fanboy that maybe, just maybe- someone realized that everything that happens in comics cannot be translated into a believable movie or cartoon, much less completely compressed into the time frame… don’t bother explaining to him the futility of watching something you’ve already read. The fanboy wants 16 years of comic history crammed into a movie, and doesn’t realize that will create a cluster-bomb of unrelated cinematic crap that’ll get laughed out of Hollywood forever. He’s a bit like the Old Fart, in his “that’s the way it is and nothing else” mindset. His mind cannot wrap around the idea of liking more than one version of something.

Suitable Punishment: Having his life planned to every exact movement and breath, and any deviation from that pre-planned pattern results in him being flogged with socks full of The Corps! figures. Every aspect of his life must be held to an exact standard, a standard that was composed by someone else who lives in the Middle East and doesn’t know the importance of bathing or video games.

Paper Crown Princess.
“You know, most girls make fun of a man for liking GI Joe at this age… except me - and you’re not good enough. Have fun being single the rest of your life, loser. You probably couldn’t handle me, anyway.”

Guys like it when chicks like the stuff we do. It’s awesome, and it’s a good way to get to a man’s heart… especially with something like Joes. The Paper Crown Princess has let it get to her head. At some point, she confused “being one of the very few women who like something that guys like”, with “being a beautiful woman that all men want and should be worshipped for having the slightest idea of what a GI Joe is”. She won’t let her mediocre looks get in the way, because in here she has no competition! You can’t fault her, because she didn’t get here on her own. Had the guys treated her like one of their own instead of obsessing over a piece of ass they’ll never get, she wouldn’t be so snotty. She’s oblivious to the fact that there is a world outside of this interest she shares with so many men, and even more oblivious to the fact that there are probably 10 women more attractive than her within walking distance of the men she reigns over. It’s like the old saying goes- if you’re really hungry, and there’s nothing else to eat- a ham sandwich is good. But the first time a steak or fried chicken is available, the ham sandwich goes back to being a last resort before just going hungry. And starving is a lot more appealing than someone in a XXL Baroness catsuit with acne scars.

Suitable Punishment: Reality usually does the trick, but when it doesn’t- she should have to be transferred to a community with only two average-looking men within 1,000 miles, and the rest of the residents are gorgeous, voluptuous, skinny women. After the two men hook up with every woman but her for 3 years, one of them invites her to dinner- only to break the news to her that the he and the only other man in town are dating and they want her to be a witness at their same-sex marriage ceremony.

Hasbro’s Helpful Hero.
“You know, you folks should quit complaining about the ROC line. If you actually went and bought some of the first and second waves, maybe they’d make better stuff because it’s selling! You should be happy we got a GI Joe movie at all, because it’s not like you could make anything better!”

No matter what, Hasbro’s Hero sees nothing wrong. He doesn’t just support the GI Joe line; he preaches it with a passion that would give fire-and-brimstone Southern Baptists pause. To him, everything that is wrong with the Joes is our fault for not mindlessly throwing money at every hunk of plastic that hangs on the pegs. He sees the Rise of Cobra film as a fantastic work of art, and anyone who wasn’t pleased with it is just complaining for attention- because there was absolutely nothing wrong with it, and the concept of “someone else’s opinion” can be labeled “wrong”. His devotion to Hasbro is half blind zeal, and half sorrowful pity. If you don’t like something Hasbro does, you should stop collecting altogether. You’ve attacked him when you criticize the 9th repaint of the Neo-Viper. You should be happy that you’re getting them. Hasbro is out there working their bony little fingers off in a Chinese sweatshop to make you happy, so you can go to work, and make money. They’re making you money, and you should just shut up and leave Hasbro alone, okay? LEAVE HASBRO ALONE!!!

Suitable Punishment: Existence as one of Hasbro’s Helpful Heroes is almost like a constant self-flagellation. But, I’m never satisfied with the simple answers… he should have to go through an entire year of dealing with only extremely lazy, comically inept, and mentally challenged people in every task that requires interacting with another human being (work, restaurants, the police, the hospital, retail, mechanics, dentists, bartenders, the bank, the court house, and anyone else). Every device that is necessary to make it through life (computers, vehicles, home appliances, and any other machine) should be half-assed in its construction and function at best, and assembled by persons whom he has wronged in some horrible way. Whenever he so much as utters a sigh of discontent, Chris Crocker will appear in full transgendered form, wearing nothing more than a tiara and a light coat of butter and screech in his ear “Leave ______ alone!”, referencing the appropriate victim of dissatisfaction.

_________________

There's a reason I rarely read or visit Hisstank. This thread sums it up quite nicely.

_________________

I see other people...


Nice list, btw... I'm a hoarder mostly...

_________________

Amusing list, though I've never encountered most of those people. At least online, met a few people like that in stores. The online thing though, that's probably because I learned early on to just stay here/The Bivouac. There are people here I don't agree with 100% of the time, but no one I don't respect.

_________________

I sleep just fine on a bed of $1,000 dollar bills. I fall asleep counting my money and laughing at all the figures I have that you'll never have because you're still waiting for them to show up at...retail. BAWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm obviously joking. I have the least problem with anyone who spends their money however they want. There are people who think grown adults buying toys is stupid and a waste of money so why is it when someone spends more then you would on something all of a sudden they're stupid and wasteful. Pot calling the kettle black if you ask me. I've seen collectors who were broke as a joke spend their last dollar on Joes and I've seen very well off collectors be stingy as hell. What anyone is willing to pay is all relative.

The Paper Princess - I don't even know anyone who is like that. Since there are so few females in the hobby any of them that were like this wouldn't last very long any way. All the ones who have been or are here now have been nothing like this. Then again I've never cyber stalked them.

_________________

I suspect some of us wish we had the resources to qualify for being a "Money Crapper", regardless of how we spent the money.

This list in my opinion leaves out one important segment, which I would tend to call:

The History Depreciator - Call it the opposite number of the "Old Fart". This is someone who's maybe come into the hobby in the past five years or so, thinks all the new toys are the greatest thing in the universe, and doesn't understand how anyone could possibly have enjoyed the original line, and will readily call it junk and garbage whenever possible, and will loudly proclaim the vast superiority of the modern product, and regard with disdain all previous incarnations, and fans and collectors thereof.

Suitable Punishment - Required reading of several books about the history of G.I.Joe, with a strong emphasis on the 1980's, plus a 5000 word essay on what made the line so great in the first place that allowed it to get to the modern day in any form.

I actually was at first a history depreciator, but when I was, I was 6. When I was 7, I learned who Seargeant Slaughter, Chuckles, and other older characters were.

The Overseas Praiser: The guy who won't shut up about how awesome Action Force, Argen 7, Funskool or most other foreign items are. He spent the extra 20 for a red SNAKE, only because he's too lazy to paint it himself. He may try to sell you a Street Hawk figure for 75 bucks that Zombie will sell for 7, but because it's "Foreign and rare!" he claims that Gi Joe wouldn't be as cool as it was now without foreign support, yeah, all 5 points of articulation of it.

The Parachute Plunderer: If you went to the con, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

The Happy Fun Boy: That 16 year old crazy teenager who somehow knows way too much about Joes, and can be seen dressed as Chuckles.

_________________

The Old Fart. Can we add something to the description about CONSTANTLY reminding people how old they are, for no apparent reason. Such as "Heh...you watched the GI Joe cartoon when you were a kid? I always forget how much younger everyone is than I am. When the GI Joe cartoon came out, I was 67 years old." Okay, well, congratulations to your parents for getting laid before the rest of ours did, but beyond that, no one cares.

And my own addition...

The Royal Eunuch: Feeders of the Paper Crown Princesses. Seemingly normal men who are capable of intelligent conversation and having their own identity until a Paper Crown Princess appears on the board. At that point, they will become a flock of servants for her, existing only to respond en mass to every post she makes, usually with feeble, neutered attempts at flirting with her and a sharp increase in number of emoticons and 'lol' over their pre-eunuch posts. Lavish praise will be poured on any custom she produces, no matter how pedestrian. Her thread about her "RoC Scarlett with Wild Bill hat" custom will reach five pages on its first day, with most comments declaring it the greatest and most culturally relevant piece of artwork mankind has ever created. They must also serve as her royal protectors, fending off anyone who would dare NOT celebrate the wonder that is a girl who collects toys, or those whose sad flirting 'crosses the line' (read: may actually work). They are the noble, sackless paladins of the internet.

Suitable Punishment: Having to actually see a picture of the girl they've been sacrificing their intelligence and dignity to for the last six months.

_________________

Link to cowboy Scarlett?

_________________

Best...Post...Ever.

He forgot the Gollum Collector. The kind who when he picks up what he's looking for holds it tight to him like it's a newborn second coming of Christ.

This is *ESPECIALLY* true if other collectors are around. I saw a Star Wars guy do this last Thursday first at a Toys R' Us then Target.

_________________

I'm a memebr of only two Joe boards (this and JoeDios) and I've never really come across these people on either board, or if these personalitiesare here, they are rather subdued.

I have met these personalities elsewhere though. A lot are in the comic book area. Most of these personalities that I've come across have been in the off-roading and shooting worlds. Even though I did the research to buy product X, there will always be that one guy who tells me I'll either be sorry with the purchase when it fails (even though every one I spoke to had theirs for ten years and it never failed), or how I over spent on the product and could have gotten a different brand for half the price and twice the quality.

I had a freind who was the "hoarder" type. The Toys R Us had a sign on their Star Wars and Hot Wheels displays that read "Only two of each figure/car may be purchased per visit per day." He grabbed two, I grabbed two, and we made our purchase, he paid me back. We went to the car, he changed his shirt, put on a hat and went back in and got two more, changed into another shirt and did it again. We then drove to a different Toys R Us with the same "two only" policy and repeated the process. All that trouble for sixteen of the same figure, more trouble than it was worth in my opinion.

_________________

haha I can totally picture this. good one

_________________

props to Sean C for these two:

The Cashing In "Fan"
At some point they were a fan or a collector, but then decided they were far more interested in making money off other collectors. They might act all buddy-buddy to try and convince you that an $8 figure is worth paying $16 at their store, but mostly you don't hear a peep from them about GI JOE unless it's in regards to their business. "Hey, we just got in a case of..." They are known to scoop up store exclusives to resell, which is why you can't find them. He will even jump into chatrooms, just for soliciting whatever he's peddling at the time, but not engage in any other conversation at all. Some are little more than scalpers.

Sutible Punishment: Aside from being stuck with gobs of unsellable product, going out of business and being forced to get a real job.

No-Limits Army Builder
Lots of fans like to buy multiple of troops, but certain people have no limits. They'll keep buying the same figure regardless of how many they own, even if all they do is line them up on shelves in identical rows and spam pictures of said shelves all over the internet. Money is often no object to them. These guys are the reason you can't win certain figures on ebay. No matter how much you want it, these twits are willing to pay more every time. They also buy out all the army builder figures in their local area, if scalpers and "cashing in fans" don't get their first.

Sutible Punishment: Being stuck with just one lonely Viper on their shelf. Going to a store after store and finding nothing. Getting outbid at the last second on ebay.

_________________

I'm surprised I haven't heard about this sort of thing more often...



I HATE these types. They're obviously especially prevalent not only in G.I.Joe, bur Star Wars as well, where they'll snag every Clone Trooper they can get their hands on. I'm not saying I don't have SOME multiple troopers, and there's a few I'd like some more of (wouldn't mind having more than one of the Club's Undertow), but I've seen pictures where it looks like they're trying to re-enact that last scene from Star Wars Episode 2 of all the Clone Troopers boarding transport ships. Come on, people, Hasbro's entire production run probably wasn't that big!